I went with a classic bacon wrap. Crisp, juicy, crunchy – almost delicious. Still gross, but I gotta admit, that one was the best brains I ever had. Maybe it was the higher fat content. It’s true, fat make things taste better. And since the brain is mostly fat… well, you do the math. I was just happy to be chewing.
That reminds me, I feel like I should explain about the wanting to bite something comment. I meant regular food. I have never, repeat never, bitten a living human being – well, not since I got zombified. (That thing in high school? Doesn’t count.) But now I don’t know what would happen.
Oh yeah, like you do.
“A zombie bites you. Then you die. Then you turn into a zombie.” You in your best slow and stupid voice.
Cool your jets, Turbo. Have you ever seen that happen irl? Just in movies and TV? I thought so.
Let me enlighten you. Nobody knows how a person turns into a zombie. I don’t even know and I am one. They didn’t give that workshop at the International Brotherhood of Zombies Conference, but that night in the bar, a few of us talked about it. It seems like we all had the same experience. Mainly, we don’t know what happened, but we’re pretty sure we didn’t die. (I know what you’re thinking, smart ass: “If you don’t know what happened, how do you know you didn’t die?” Because none of our family and friends who aren’t zombies were surprised to see us.)
“WTF! You were dead!” Nobody
Honest. I used to think about that last day BZ (Before Zombification), but I got nothin’. It’s like the afternoon erased the morning, and then somebody deleted everything that happened until I woke up the next day. So I stopped thinking about it. Maybe those memories are gone forever. Maybe they’re just buried somewhere in my head, and someday they’ll pull a Lazarus. I hope they do, but if they don’t, I’ll never know, and I have to be okay with that. Believe me, if I knew, I’d tell you. Then you might be able to keep it from happening to people you care about.
But for the sake of argument, let’s just say one of those S&S zombies manages to catch you and bite you (or scratch you – an idea that’s currently trending). In the first place, you’d have to be lame in all possible ways, and in the second place, it wouldn’t kill you. Well, maybe if you’re dumb enough to let it get infected. (Ever heard of Neosporin? Bactine? Hot water and soap?)
You might get zombie fever. (Is there such a thing as zombie fever? Maybe you should text the CDC and ask for their What to Do When a Zombie Bites – Or Scratches pamphlet.) But when a zombie bites (yeah, yeah, or scratches), does it leave some germ that multiplies and changes you after you die? Show me some scientific proof. I mean, we’re all gonna die sometime, and we can only guess what happens after that.
Besides, I didn’t die. I think.
Still, better safe than sorry, right? So I don’t bite (or scratch) because if I zombified somebody else, I’d feel like I should take care of them or something because no matter how great my unlife is, it ain’t all tacos and beer. In fact, it’s no tacos and no beer.
I’m not complaining, but I already told you what happens when zombies eat solid food that isn’t brains. And when you’ve got a resting heart rate of 4-6 and a target heart rate of 12, you really shouldn’t drink alcohol. It takes forever to sober up.
Talk about slow and stupid.