Likely bitten at the Bowling Green Massacre, Kellyanne Conway appears to have been Zombified. She did not respond to numerous requests for interviews, but issued an Alternative Fact Sheet to all news media with the attached note:
I invite any of you who disagree with me and the President (who you treat so very unfairly) to discuss your concerns directly with me at lunch. It will be my treat. There will be fava beans and a nice Chianti. Kellyanne Conway, alternative human being
The actual Alternative Fact Sheet reads as follows:
A while back I told you I don’t know how I became a zombie. Still true. And I don’t know why I haven’t met any other zombies. Also still true, as far as I know. But I’ve been thinking about how a PI might discover zombies if there are any in the vicinity. Zombies, not PIs. If I could locate even one – again, zombie, not PI – we could compare our memories and circumstances, and maybe develop a Theory of Zombification.
“Man! I.Am.Beat.” Me. One letter from the end of the alphabet.
Not beaten. Never beaten. Unless somebody finally comes after me with a cricket bat or a big freakin’ rock or something.
That’d suck big time.
Nah. I’m just tired. I had no idea how much time and mental energy it would take to keep you all entertained by “blogging”. But I’m kinda into it. Powerin’ up my brain. Sharin’ my undead unlife. Yeah, I’m gonna keep writing. But not every day because… rebel. Rebel zombie.
I figure once or twice a week is enough. Who knows – maybe I’ll figure out how I turned zombie, and I’ll let you know in a “blog post”. Maybe you’ll watch for ’em in your Reader. Maybe you’ll Like ’em, and Comment. Maybe you’ll even read ’em. But you know what?
I don’t effin care because… Zombie. Rebel zombie.
Think I’m gonna thaw some Shower Dude chunks for dinner. Get my undead synapses fired up for The Final Challenge – ZED.
“It’s x-A-v-er.” Xavier T. Walden, New Guy at Hot Times
Yeah, I got x-A-v-er.
It coulda been worse. I mighta gotten The Guy Who Didn’t Shower or The Girl Who Giggles Like Minnie Mouse or one of The Twins Who Never Shut Up. I wouldn’t have minded Amazing Pierced Girl or Brooding Boy. Or even The Dude Who Doesn’t Know His Fly’s Open because a clueless partner would be almost as good as no partner at all.
“WTF?” Romero Russo following the 7:12 pm Mandatory Employee Meeting at Hot Times
Über kooky Viv must have been smokin’ something medicinal at 5:03 am, when she called that meeting. Or possibly chasin’ the dragon. I should have suspected something was up with a meeting time of 7:12, but when everybody showed up at 7:30, she was just locking up.
“I don’t know anything about any 7:12 pm meeting, mandatory or otherwise. Besides, you’re all late.” Viv when asked about the 7:12 pm Mandatory Employee Meeting
Viv is the brains behind Hot Times, the crematorium I work for. Well, “brains” might be an exaggeration. She’s in charge of all the employees, the schedule, and as many innovations as she can think of, but she’s not brainy nearly as much as she’s kooky. Like, majorly kooky. In fact, calling her a kook insults kooks everywhere.
I know I can’t be the only zombie schlepping around in the land of the living. I know what you’re thinking. No, people who don’t get enough coffee or go to work hungover – or drunk – or live like automatons don’t count. So why haven’t I met any other zombies?